Matt Groening's Simpsons & Wrestling
by prairiechicken
Summary: The scripts of the Simpsons have somehow grown pairs of legs and hitchhiked their way into Stamford, Connecticut! WWE & WWF Superstars of yesterday and today have shoehorned their way into classic episodes and you'll never watch your favorites in the same way again!
1. Chapter 1

(Stephanie McMahon and SmackDown commentators Jerry Lawler, Mauro Ranallo and Byron Saxton sit down for morning breakfast)

Jerry: "Ah...the daily newspaper."

Stephanie: "Why do you read that 'FREE' column? They never have anything good."

"FREE TRAMPOLINE, 209 10th Avenue South Nashville, Tennessee."

Jerry: "Oh my God!"  
Mauro: "What is it?"  
Jerry: "Tramapoline!" "Trampopoline!" (Runs out of the building)  
Byron: "He said what now?"  
Stephanie: "Please, don't bring back any more old crutches!"

Jerry drives at breakneck speed to the address given in the paper.

The owner of the house answers the door. It's Dixie Carter!

Jerry: "Dixie Carter?"  
Dixie: "That's me! Are you here for the trampoline?"  
Jerry: "Yeah. What's the deal?"  
Dixie: "Well, I used to do have a lot of wrestling on my show, but I'm phasing it out for more sports entertainment."

Jerry: "And I can just haul it away, free?"  
Dixie: "It's all yours, heh, heh, heh…"

Back at the second floor of Titan Towers, the female wrestlers are getting prepared for another taping of Total Divas.

Jerry (appearing through the window): "Hi ladies!"  
(All the women scream and cover themselves)  
Jerry (appearing through the window): "Hi ladies!"

(People rush outside to found out Jerry is bouncing on the trampoline)

John Cena: "Wow! I can't believe it!"  
Nikki Bella: "King, this one gesture almost makes up for years of lame "Puppies" jokes!"

(John and Nikki start bouncing on the trampoline)

John: "I will never get tired of this!"  
Nikki: "I'm going to have my wedding here!"

Stephanie: "I don't know if this is a good idea."  
Jerry: "Steph, it's the perfect exercise! It'll double the value of our company, and it was free! Free!"  
Stephanie: "Are you sure it's safe?"  
Jerry: "Absolutely. And this is just the beginning...I've got some big plans!"

In Jerry's plans, this week's Monday Night Raw will take place on the trampoline.

The opening match on the show is Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt. Randy is in control and is about to finish the match with an RKO. But he steps too close to the edge and lands with his back across the metal frame.

Ringside Doctor: "Randy, are you OK?"  
Randy: "Yeah. Just pop my shoulder back in." Crack! "Thanks!"

Randy sees the ref raising Bray's hand in victory.

Randy: "Oh no! I've been counted out!"

Paul Heyman is conducting a promo on Brock Lesnar's behalf while bouncing on the trampoline. "OW! I bit my tongue!"

Next up … New Day vs. The Ascension for the Tag Team Titles

Konnor: "Each leap brings us closer to the championship!"  
Viktor: "Tag me, Viktor, tag me!" (They collide and fall onto the ground)  
Konnor: "What have we done to make Vince angry?"  
Viktor: "You did it!"

Cesaro: "Stop jumping on me! I'm hurt."  
Jerry: "Everybody, once you get hurt, move aside so we can continue to the next segment!"

Stephanie: "King, this is terrible!"

Jerry: "OK, OK, I'll take care of it!"

(Jerry places a small "Caution" sign at ringside, the camera pans to show a huge mass of injured wrestlers lying on the ground)

Stephanie: "I told you this was a bad idea!"

Jerry: "All right, all right! I'll get rid of the trampoline."

Dixie sits on a rocking chair on her porch as Jerry pulls up.

Jerry: "Hey, Dixie, I'm bringing back the -  
Dixie: (points a shotgun at Jerry) "You just keep right on driving!"

Jerry decides to throw the trampoline off a cliff. He pushes it over the edge of one, and it falls down, but it lands on a pillar of rock and bounces back up.

Jerry: "That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone!" (A shadow grows above Jerry and the trampoline bounces off his head, driving his feet into the ground)

(Hours later, Jerry is still trapped under the trampoline. A wolf howls in the background.)

Jerry: "I'm horny!"

HHH: "King, you really want to get rid of this trampoline?"  
Jerry: "Uh huh."  
HHH: "Observe; a bike lock. (Locks the trampoline to a ringside post)  
Now just turn around, and count to three: one, two, three -  
(They both turn around to see Cryme Tyme with a pair of wire cutters)  
HHH: "Uh, better make it five."  
Cryme Tyme: "All right! We got ourselves a bed!"

That night, after the SmackDown Live ends, New Day is looking for something to do.

Kofi: "Shh, quiet! You'll attract too much attention."  
Big E: "Hey, no more trampoline."  
Xavier: "Let's jump on the production truck instead!"

Jerry: "OK, the trampoline was a bad idea. But you know what? At least I'm trying new things. Ever since you took over, all we've done is 50-50 booking and cheesy soap operas."  
Stephanie: "That's not true."  
Jerry: "Name one thing you've done in the past decade that was fun."  
Stephanie: "I can name ten things! Uh...I put the title on Roman Reigns!"  
Jerry: "That wasn't fun."


	2. Chapter 2

Brother Love: Thank you. OK, folks. Let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go!  
Lita: I can't commit to a relationship!  
Kane: I'm too nice!  
Mick Foley: I have problems with -  
The Rock: I'm always interrupting people!

Brother Love: Right now, I want each of you to try something interesting. There's no trick to it - it's just a simple trick! Now, close your eyes for a moment and really listen to that inner voice inside, your inner child. Listen! What's he saying?

Jason Jordan: _Stay the course, big guy. You're doing super!_  
The Big Show: _Food goes in here!_ It sure does!  
Santino: _Hey, what's-a-matter? You no talka with you accent no more._ Mama mia!

Brother Love: Brother Buff, let's try some rage work. I want you to pretend this dummy right here is your mother.  
Buff Bagwell: OK, I'll try.  
Brother Love: Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel right now.  
Buff Bagwell: I'm annoyed with you, Mother. Not just annoyed - angry! I'm a grown man now and I can run my own life!  
[Destroys dummy with the Buff Blockbuster]  
Brother Love: Calm down, calm down. You can sit down now.  
Buff Bagwell: We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother? [Judy gives Buff an angry glare]

Brother Love: You see, folks, we're all trying to please someone else. And as soon as you're not a human be-ing, you're a human do-ing. Then what comes next?  
HHH: A human go-ing!  
Brother Love: That, that's wonderful. Come here. Come up here. What made you yell out that remark?  
HHH: I do what I feel like!  
Brother Love: I couldn't have put it better myself! People, this young man here is the inner child I've been talking about!  
Steve Austin: What?

Brother Love: Son, you've never read any of my books, have you?  
HHH: [snorts] Earth to boring guy.  
Brother Love: [laughs] That means "no", huh? I'm not so old-fashioned.

Brother Love congratulates Vince and Stephanie: "Your family has done a fantastic job. Brother Vince, Sister Stephanie, could you come up here?"

Brother Love: This is really remarkable. Here we have a man with an obvious superiority complex, and a woman with size 40 DDD cups, I'm sure worn only for shock value -  
Stephanie: Erm -  
Brother Love: - and yet, they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son. That's fantastic.  
Vince: Oh, thank you.

Brother Love: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this, this -  
HHH: Rudiger.  
Brother Love: - Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger -  
Stephanie: His name is Hunter.  
Brother Love: His name isn't important! What's important here is that this lad has fully developed ego integrity with well-defined boundaries.  
HHH: ZZZZZZZ!

Brother Love: People, I am excited. I can sense a change in the air tonight. You are all going to start living, really living.  
Audience: Yay! Living! Living!  
Brother Love: Be like the boy!  
Audience: Be like boy! Be like boy!  
Brother Love: Just the ladies.  
Divas: Be like boy! Be like boy!  
Brother Love: Now, the seniors in the back.  
nWo: We like Roy! We like Roy!

Steve Austin: This is madness! He's just peddling a bunch of easy answers!

[Fast forward to the 2018 Royal Rumble, where history is in the making]

Michael Cole: All 30 men have made their entrances and nobody has been eliminated! Is everyone extra motivated to appear in the main event at WrestleMania this year?

Braun Strowman: Mmmmffff! Ellsworth, you little runt! You were supposed to have been eliminated 15 minutes ago!  
James Ellsworth: I don't feel like it!

Roman Reigns: Dammit, Ziggler! They're never putting you in the main event again! Be a man and throw yourself over the top rope already!  
Dolph Ziggler: I don't feel like doing the job today!

HHH [watching backstage]: Man! Everyone is behaving like me now, so why does it suck?


End file.
